I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
