Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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