Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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