Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
