farters have to be the big spoon...
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Randomize
