peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Randomize
