Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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