Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
