Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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