just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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