so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
he thought i was a dude.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
