Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
