Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize