just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
