Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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