I accidentally had phone sex last night
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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