I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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