Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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