nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
