I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
