you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize