rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
