Jerry, you need to find god
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
