sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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