Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
