apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
