i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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