STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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