I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
