dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
