So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
