i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
