I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize