My hand turned me down
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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