I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
