Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
