There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
