Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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