new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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