First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
bring money and cleavage
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Randomize
