...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize