My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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