I wish my penis had an off switch
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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