He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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