I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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