Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Its about making memories worth repressing
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
