my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize