Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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