Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
