My friends, they love my intelligence
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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