I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
