what day is it and did you see me today?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
