Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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