I'm so fucking centered right now
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
