He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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