I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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