thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
