She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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