My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
