I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
